i had a dream last night that my parents were getting back together...
for some reason, I was angry? through the yelling and complaining I started having an anxiety attack or cardiac arrest idk I couldn't tell you the feeling, but I was calling out to my mom, and she wasn't listening anymore.
i must have really needed her because i ended up legitimately calling out for my mom in the middle of the night.
now i'm awake and i can't help but feel angry about the dream. i think it's because it made me realize that there's many times I might have needed her and she wasn't there. I was basically living out on the street/ couch-surfing when I was eighteen years old because of her and my sister. Even though i'm so family-oriented, you would be surprised to find out that my family was actually very chaotic and dysfunctional. Which i will get into more detail. I had to grow up so fast in so many ways... and i think as I got older, I ended up inevitably being childish and selfish.
some of the things I endured and caused (because of the hurt) tend to haunt me sometimes until this day. Surprisingly, what I've caused is harder to put behind me. I wasn't always the best person nor made all the right decisions. I mean, c'mon if you knew me then you knew I was skyyy high. (xanax x alc x weed combo) but now, i've definitely simmered down and stay out of the way.
without a doubt.
i think that i struggle with alcohol abuse because it just makes everything so much better, ya know? It all goes away and i just want to dance the night away. i smoke indica to stop thinking so much, to relax, to dream. i used them so i could feel less alone too. i use it to stop being so angry at the things i cant control. (Some examples of said things: like my grandfather's health, or the fact that my grandmother is gone and i couldn't do anything to stop it, or the fact that no one actually cares about me). ive cycled through so many friends that i had to relearn the meaning of "friend" and what a friendship entails. I've had so many romantic relationships abandon me for someone else. Make me feel like I was too much or too little and grew tired of me. Little did they know i was used to it. I grew up watching my father treat my mother the same way. I grew up in a pretty controlling atmosphere, I always called myself a caged bird. As i said earlier, my parents had a lot of marital issues/affairs and we kind of had to wait for my moms vacation time (and money) to actually see the world when I was a kid. My parents were so caught up in each other's bullshit i mostly remember my childhood as one being raised by my siblings and television. Sad to say I was an original 50'-inch iPad kid. Then, as I grew to a teenager, I would skip out on class to see the world. I was so behind in school I had to take online classes just to graduate. The day of my graduation, I remembered one fond memory.. walking to the stadium (being late as always) and my mother telling me how surprised she was that I was even walking the stage at Graduation. Then as I grew up some more, I started to attend a cult (Christianity) just to see the outside world. Don't get me wrong, it felt rewarding praying and giving to the less fortunate... but I always felt there was something I was missing. How do we get to that place? Is it: Money? Lack of support? Maybe their family did try to help. Was it the pain? Anxiety? Maybe due to all of the bills' due date. Is it the memories you can't escape from? The good ones and the bad. Why did I feel like I was no different than those homeless drug addicts on 230 Jones Street in San Francisco. Oh yeah, its because I basically ended up the same way at age eighteen/ nineteen.
now that im twenty-seven years old im not sure if i believe in "God". If God does exist why does he make life so difficult? I've battled with this bitterness for so long. Why continue to be kind? So they can take advantage of you? To feed off your lows behind your back? I grew up reading all the parables and it showed. For example, the protocols son... sometimes people treat you badly then run away and come back and I welcomed them with open arms and unconditional love. We were still family. Reading how you can get burned in the bible and experiencing it in real life is two completely different things. I've had my heart broken many times by my parents, siblings, friends, lovers. As a result, I closed myself off from everyone. It was only while drinking alcohol that i would let my guard down. ive made some friends... but can you really call them friends? i'm more confused now than ever. Its ironic that you have the most friends when you're at your worst. Being a girl is hard because it seems like nowadays theyre all like Regina George. Its not enough to be an "it- girl" / the leader of the group, once they know you like Aaron Samuels they will take the first opportunity to flirt with them in front of your face. Take an opportunity from you to validate their worth to themselves. Did his hair actually look sexy pushed back to you? Or they're like Janice Ian, plotting on your downfall without you even being concerned about her in the first place. & be-friending men wasnt any different. Ive known another friend since my first job at Applebees. At age eighteen. Hes been by my side while dealing with suicidal tendencies and i could not be more grateful. When everyone left me, he stayed. But now, hes gone too because hes in a relationship. im happy for him i just wish that the people he loved.. at least accepted me too instead of being closet-intimidated. So with men, you're their friend until you're their girlfriend..or they get a girlfriend.
i am still alone but this time it's because i want to be. i am exhausted of being abandoned, this time i am choosing to leave. i dont THINK my life will always be this way...
moral of the story i should smoke more indica and put down the alcohol.
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