2023

I started my year quite lonely.

I cut some people out of my life because someone decided to come to my house two days after Christmas and slash all four of my tires on my Audi. It sucks even more knowing that I've only ever brought people I've loved and [thought] I could trust over to my house. So the question still remains.. who did it? why?

I finally found a girl that I could see myself being a life-long friend with, B. She was also my neighbor. I made so many memories with her in such a short time. It was really like one of those sisterhood-of-the-traveling-pants bond. I had to let it go. There were other friends that meant a lot to me that I had to let go of.. not only because of the incident, but because they were making me feel terrible. I would give my friends the entire world with little to nothing in return. I'd give unconditional love, gifts like Spooky baskets, opportunities, my time, my patience, my freedom (from having a prior dui and trying to make sure everyone gets home safe before me) 

with literally nothing in return... 

I decided to shift my focus from friendships to romantic relationships. I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time so I figured why not try and "get back out there". Big mistake at first.

January 31, I met this guy Christopher that I really fancied for a couple of months. I hadn't really been on the dating scene in awhile so I wasn't really quite sure what to expect. But at first it was a beautiful romance. We met halfway for the first date and shared a glass of wine and shared some memories we had with those that aren't here with us today. I thought I had found someone different than the rest of society. Like yessss this is what I was looking for AND he wasn't bad to look at. We would hold a conversation about various topics. I remembered him driving from Sacramento to Napa where I worked to visit me. I saw the effort and then I started not to see the same effort...

He said he had recently got out of a serious relationship and that he didn't want me to get ahead of myself. (after coming to a family party and meeting everyone lol) At that point I knew they were trying to keep options open and keep things casual. But I wasn't really made for coming over to your house and door dashing my own food and fucking you and feeling empty afterwards. I felt like a prostitute that pays for the experience. I drove to you thinking we would go to dinner and get to know each other. Shit idk maybe engage in a romance like I saw in the films like The Notebook? I guess we were just at different places and that's okay. Yes..I was late to our dates a few times, but do you understand that I tried my best to look my best for you? Uhm helloooo.                                   I realized that he was busy on Valentines day.. which was okay I mean, we just met.. But then it started to take longer and longer to get a response from him. It wasn't back-and-forth like it used to be. Barely saw him anymore. So I decided to do the same. I was quite petty in that relationship. That relationship is important to me because it taught me a lot about myself. Good and Bad. 

The last time I talked to Gilbert was in May.

If you knew me at all you knew I was obsessed with this ex, but we had a very toxic relationship. It was the same old games. Sending me love songs. Playing phone tag with each other. Being let down again. I knew WE deserved better. I think that's what true unconditional love is about.. Loving someone so much you have to really let them go so they could find someone who can love them the way they deserve. When I had the chance.. I took it for granted and acted very immaturely. This is his chance to find someone who won't play about him the first time. It took me losing him to realize that was the "love of my life" then I tried to come back later and just pick up where we left off after a few I'm sorry's from both ends, buuuutttt its not good for that. Not only for him, but myself. I wouldn't be respecting myself if I went back.

I became good friends with some people I worked with named Yon and Juan. Yon is from Spain and has a very free-spirited way of living. I love that he doesn't judge anyone and that he's so fluid. Juan is my rock. He is a bit more reserved than Yon and I, but we still feel magnetic. Juan is one of those people you can rely on. Like really rely on. Like .. have you ever played that "Trust Fall" game? He is a living version of that game! We spent almost everyday together so I think we fell in love, inevitably. Growing up is realizing that sometimes you have to sacrifice some things you want because its what's best for yourself and the relationship. I mean, relationships are messy and feelings get hurt. You lose people. I didn't want to lose my best friend. You know everything about me. You see me. We are still navigating it the best we can. Day by day. 

I started a new job started making more money and made more friends and started creating traditions (like every 23rd of December we will meet at a bar in downtown// Or like a three-way-kiss to end the night) while still maintaining old traditions with old friends ... like my friend Derek who comes over to smoke every night on some “that’s 70’s show” shit.

Started family therapy with my mom. Hopefully that gets us somewhere... 

I started to date this girl December 2023. I think she's so beautiful but she's kind of intimidating. She gets really passionate/angry. I really like that she's so vulnerable and open with me. She's not your typical person who hides who they are to try and impress you. Which I like, because I’m tired of finding out who a person really is a year later. Also, the vulnerability creates this depth to the relationship I really admire. I invited her over to my house on New Year's Eve and she met my family, and she was my kiss at midnight. We haven't had sex yet, but I think about it.

I took a step back and realized I have had bitterness and resentment towards a few people I've loved in my past but it's because they didn't love me back the way I wanted them to. Which again, is okay.. you aren't owed anything from anyone. I think a lot of us can relate on this predicament. If you ever been cheated on. If you started a family with someone who doesn't show up for you. etc. I mean, I'm grateful for any ounce of love I get in this world. Although it's such a beautiful place to live in.. the people are so cold. --

actually, for one second can we just talk about Earth? We are on a floating rock in space surrounded by stars, galaxies, planets, suns. 71% of Earth's surface is water. The nature, the mountains, the animals, sea creatures the insects, etc. Everything on Earth is kind of a wild ass concept if you really think about it. We watch these films like Star Wars but it's kind of the same shit just different location damn near. I think if we all took a second to stop and breathe and look around, we would see that there's bigger things that matter & to worry about. The planet is dying. Global wildlife populations have fallen nearly 70%. There are genocides happening around the world as I type this.

I realized that even though I had thought these things were so big to me, they really aren't that big. I can either continue to live my life giving what I get, or I can give my love to everyone, at any time, no matter what the circumstance. Everyone has their traumas and issues. In life you may lose everything you love, but love can return in another way. Humans aren't perfect and never will be. I mean can you blame them for being so cold? We're all figuring this out together and even if someone thinks they might have all the answers... they don't. Again, we're on a floating rock using gravity and things like quantum physics, etc. 

What is love to me? It's letting people go so that they may find a better option. It's creating healthy boundaries. Its learning to listen to one another. Show up and support one another. Trying to understand one another. Lift each other up instead of tear each other down. Standing up and speaking out for one another. Let people know they're loved. Whatever I can do, you can do. Vice versa. 

to more love

E.