gray area

Have you ever watched the Movie, 500 Days of Summer?

It's about two coworkers who start to hang out often. Doing intimate things whilst one of them never actually solidifies the relationship.

They would do things alone like: watch movies, go to record stores, play house in IKEA, have sex, etc.

Friend with benefits. Unrequited love.

When first watching it, (in 2009) I felt I was more aligned with Tom. (Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character) 

Now as I'm older, I understand what it's like to be Summer. (Zoey Deschanel)

growing up I always had crushes on my friends. Gender didn't matter. 

As a matter of fact, I'll give some examples: Ari, DaveyBad, Spencer, Maria, Tanner, & a few more 

I would sometimes cross the friendship lines hoping for desire in return and would be met with heartbreak. Mainly because I loved some of these people and never saw them again because of the complexity of the situation. 

They say, "Maybe the timing wasn't right."

I was watching most of them be with other people until the crush was nonexistent, or vice versa. 

Now it's 2024, its Summer

The last two FWB situationships ended in one of those dreadful "I told you so" type of conversations. I had discussed with them that I've been there and done that and that it doesn't end up how we fantasize. And not that it can mess things up, but it will...

I discussed potential resentments. I noted how the environment would change between us and how we may never go back to being friends. Potential codependency's/attachment issues. The whole nine, but they continued to hold on. 

I wonder... Is it better to have loved and lost? Or better to have not loved at all? 

How do you feel?

Now I'm here, no response from my best friend.

We rarely talk in person anymore either. Last time I saw them was last Thursday at sushi. We were talking to them and they would just blatantly ignore us. At first, we thought it was rude, but now as time goes on, I try to be compassionate to the grief and pain. I've been there before. 

I feel guilty because I want to be in love again, but part of me knows that I don't have my best friends anymore.  

moral of this story: friends are friends, non-negotiable

All dogs go to heaven

I remembered waking up out of my sleep when hearing the words, "Something is wrong with Nala.. I think she's dead."

It was only 8AM in the morning and I was hurled over her body weeping, begging her not to let go. 

I remember everything so vividly. 

The call to the pet crematory

What car we rode in. 

What she laid on (in the car when) transferring her stiff body. 

How she felt.

How I felt. 

She had black fur with a little white heart splat on her chest. 

The kind of heart that was on the album cover 'In Love and Death' by the Used

She had heterochromia

She was in my life for ten years. 

When she would walk ahead of me, she would stop and wait for me to catch up.

She was lazy, she didn’t like getting her paws muddy in the rain, she was protective

She was everything. She was family to us. 

When I lost this dog, I never expected it to impact me so much.

Like I considered myself a pretty "normal" pet owner and didn't think that I'd be one of those people who call off work when a pet dies or cry or anything like that.

I actually buried myself into more work and more alcohol to drown out the pain. 

I know its cliche... 

the whole "when you left, you took a piece of me with you." 

I genuinely couldn't find myself.

I was stuck in this endless cycle where I would drink to feel better / numb myself, then I would feel like shit because I passed my limit so I either threw up or blacked out. 

When I was blacked out, I had sex with someone and had no recollection of the soiree. 

I found out the next day when I woke up to use the bathroom... I had been bleeding, but I just ended my period a week ago.

Disappointed in myself...Yesterday's choices are catching up to me today at work…

I feel nauseous until 4-5PM. Can't eat anything due to the nausea. All I can think about (above the pounding headache/ light sensitivity) is when I'm going to get the next drink so I can feel normal again. 

this cycle -- more like typhoon because it consumed me, lasted for a month

But when you're working two jobs (12-14 hours a day) and spend your days off drinking with friends to the point of shutting the bar down...

It starts to accumulate and take its toll 

"Everything we think and say and do has consequences for ourselves and for others"  

I crashed my car one night after working both jobs. 

I don't remember much so I just felt immense guilt when calling AAA.

It was construction equipment, but I am old enough to know better. 

   I guess I realize that I didn’t care that I was here either 

                                 All dogs go to heaven. 

No Caller ID

3:52 AM - Saturday 

As I lay dreaming on my silk gray sheets, I feel three strong vibrations ...

on my phone, reads "No Caller ID" 

I get up out of my sleep to answer, thinking it was a past ex I may have blocked.

(Although that's embarrassing to own up to, it was truth)

upon answering I say, "hello", in a "tired" voice to play it cool.

They respond with my name, but it's not a voice I recognize.

I say, "Who is this?" 

They respond, "Your favorite tall black guy."

Stunned at the fact that this person is calling me at 4AM and playing games, I ask confused, "What?"

There is a pause *

They ask me if I want to hear a crazy story... and that its really intense. 

There is another pause *  (but this one felt different than the other...) 

at this point I'm thinking that I'm the star in the opening scene of a 2024 re-make of the movie "SCREAM."

(but I don't remember auditioning...)

I go downstairs armed and SLOWLY, being as silent on the phone as I could. Assuming that the prankster would assume I fell asleep and would then hang up. I was wrong. 

I checked all the doors to make sure they were locked.

 

at 4AM everything is really silent; I could even hear things I couldn't hear during the day, Like my breath and heartbeat. 

at 4AM everything is really dark. This kind of darkness almost tricks you into believing that light could suffocate against it. 

After some time of playing the one-sided quiet game, they yelled my name into the phone.

Which was frightening because you know me, but I don't know you.

I respond with a rude tone, "Who is this?"

They said, "I told you, Your favorite tall black guy. Thats the only clue you get."

I said, "Ahhh hell nah I'm going back to sleep its almost 4AM."

being very pushy, he implies he wants me to hear this crazy, intense story and that it won't take too much time.

the gist of the story was that he had a threesome with two women: one Filipino girl, one African-American girl. 

He stops in the middle of his story to ask me if I have ever had sex with a black man. 

There's another pause, but this time it's because I'm so angry that this bastard was on some rapey, knockoff-ghostface bullshit at 4AM. 

I hung up. 

They called on "no caller ID" again the next night but I didn't answer.

Just like every episode, there is a theme or lesson to be learned.

I learned two today.