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Have you ever watched the Movie, 500 Days of Summer?

It's about two coworkers who start to hang out often. Doing intimate things whilst one of them never actually solidifies the relationship.

They would do things alone like: watch movies, go to record stores, play house in IKEA, have sex, etc.

Friend with benefits. Unrequited love.

When first watching it, (in 2009) I felt I was more aligned with Tom. (Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character) 

Now as I'm older, I understand what it's like to be Summer. (Zoey Deschanel)

growing up I always had crushes on my friends. Gender didn't matter. 

As a matter of fact, I'll give some examples: Ari, DaveyBad, Spencer, Maria, Tanner, & a few more 

I would sometimes cross the friendship lines hoping for desire in return and would be met with heartbreak. Mainly because I loved some of these people and never saw them again because of the complexity of the situation. 

They say, "Maybe the timing wasn't right."

I was watching most of them be with other people until the crush was nonexistent, or vice versa. 

Now it's 2024, its Summer

The last two FWB situationships ended in one of those dreadful "I told you so" type of conversations. I had discussed with them that I've been there and done that and that it doesn't end up how we fantasize. And not that it can mess things up, but it will...

I discussed potential resentments. I noted how the environment would change between us and how we may never go back to being friends. Potential codependency's/attachment issues. The whole nine, but they continued to hold on. 

I wonder... Is it better to have loved and lost? Or better to have not loved at all? 

How do you feel?

Now I'm here, no response from my best friend.

We rarely talk in person anymore either. Last time I saw them was last Thursday at sushi. We were talking to them and they would just blatantly ignore us. At first, we thought it was rude, but now as time goes on, I try to be compassionate to the grief and pain. I've been there before. 

I feel guilty because I want to be in love again, but part of me knows that I don't have my best friends anymore.  

moral of this story: friends are friends, non-negotiable