gray area

Have you ever watched the Movie, 500 Days of Summer?

It's about two coworkers who start to hang out often. Doing intimate things whilst one of them never actually solidifies the relationship.

They would do things alone like: watch movies, go to record stores, play house in IKEA, have sex, etc.

Friend with benefits. Unrequited love.

When first watching it, (in 2009) I felt I was more aligned with Tom. (Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character) 

Now as I'm older, I understand what it's like to be Summer. (Zoey Deschanel)

growing up I always had crushes on my friends. Gender didn't matter. 

As a matter of fact, I'll give some examples: Ari, DaveyBad, Spencer, Maria, Tanner, & a few more 

I would sometimes cross the friendship lines hoping for desire in return and would be met with heartbreak. Mainly because I loved some of these people and never saw them again because of the complexity of the situation. 

They say, "Maybe the timing wasn't right."

I was watching most of them be with other people until the crush was nonexistent, or vice versa. 

Now it's 2024, its Summer

The last two FWB situationships ended in one of those dreadful "I told you so" type of conversations. I had discussed with them that I've been there and done that and that it doesn't end up how we fantasize. And not that it can mess things up, but it will...

I discussed potential resentments. I noted how the environment would change between us and how we may never go back to being friends. Potential codependency's/attachment issues. The whole nine, but they continued to hold on. 

I wonder... Is it better to have loved and lost? Or better to have not loved at all? 

How do you feel?

Now I'm here, no response from my best friend.

We rarely talk in person anymore either. Last time I saw them was last Thursday at sushi. We were talking to them and they would just blatantly ignore us. At first, we thought it was rude, but now as time goes on, I try to be compassionate to the grief and pain. I've been there before. 

I feel guilty because I want to be in love again, but part of me knows that I don't have my best friends anymore.  

moral of this story: friends are friends, non-negotiable

All dogs go to heaven

I remembered waking up out of my sleep when hearing the words, "Something is wrong with Nala.. I think she's dead."

It was only 8AM in the morning and I was hurled over her body weeping, begging her not to let go. 

I remember everything so vividly. 

The call to the pet crematory

What car we rode in. 

What she laid on (in the car when) transferring her stiff body. 

How she felt.

How I felt. 

She had black fur with a little white heart splat on her chest. 

The kind of heart that was on the album cover 'In Love and Death' by the Used

She had heterochromia

She was in my life for ten years. 

When she would walk ahead of me, she would stop and wait for me to catch up.

She was lazy, she didn’t like getting her paws muddy in the rain, she was protective

She was everything. She was family to us. 

When I lost this dog, I never expected it to impact me so much.

Like I considered myself a pretty "normal" pet owner and didn't think that I'd be one of those people who call off work when a pet dies or cry or anything like that.

I actually buried myself into more work and more alcohol to drown out the pain. 

I know its cliche... 

the whole "when you left, you took a piece of me with you." 

I genuinely couldn't find myself.

I was stuck in this endless cycle where I would drink to feel better / numb myself, then I would feel like shit because I passed my limit so I either threw up or blacked out. 

When I was blacked out, I had sex with someone and had no recollection of the soiree. 

I found out the next day when I woke up to use the bathroom... I had been bleeding, but I just ended my period a week ago.

Disappointed in myself...Yesterday's choices are catching up to me today at work…

I feel nauseous until 4-5PM. Can't eat anything due to the nausea. All I can think about (above the pounding headache/ light sensitivity) is when I'm going to get the next drink so I can feel normal again. 

this cycle -- more like typhoon because it consumed me, lasted for a month

But when you're working two jobs (12-14 hours a day) and spend your days off drinking with friends to the point of shutting the bar down...

It starts to accumulate and take its toll 

"Everything we think and say and do has consequences for ourselves and for others"  

I crashed my car one night after working both jobs. 

I don't remember much so I just felt immense guilt when calling AAA.

It was construction equipment, but I am old enough to know better. 

   I guess I realize that I didn’t care that I was here either 

                                 All dogs go to heaven. 

No Caller ID

3:52 AM - Saturday 

As I lay dreaming on my silk gray sheets, I feel three strong vibrations ...

on my phone, reads "No Caller ID" 

I get up out of my sleep to answer, thinking it was a past ex I may have blocked.

(Although that's embarrassing to own up to, it was truth)

upon answering I say, "hello", in a "tired" voice to play it cool.

They respond with my name, but it's not a voice I recognize.

I say, "Who is this?" 

They respond, "Your favorite tall black guy."

Stunned at the fact that this person is calling me at 4AM and playing games, I ask confused, "What?"

There is a pause *

They ask me if I want to hear a crazy story... and that its really intense. 

There is another pause *  (but this one felt different than the other...) 

at this point I'm thinking that I'm the star in the opening scene of a 2024 re-make of the movie "SCREAM."

(but I don't remember auditioning...)

I go downstairs armed and SLOWLY, being as silent on the phone as I could. Assuming that the prankster would assume I fell asleep and would then hang up. I was wrong. 

I checked all the doors to make sure they were locked.

 

at 4AM everything is really silent; I could even hear things I couldn't hear during the day, Like my breath and heartbeat. 

at 4AM everything is really dark. This kind of darkness almost tricks you into believing that light could suffocate against it. 

After some time of playing the one-sided quiet game, they yelled my name into the phone.

Which was frightening because you know me, but I don't know you.

I respond with a rude tone, "Who is this?"

They said, "I told you, Your favorite tall black guy. Thats the only clue you get."

I said, "Ahhh hell nah I'm going back to sleep its almost 4AM."

being very pushy, he implies he wants me to hear this crazy, intense story and that it won't take too much time.

the gist of the story was that he had a threesome with two women: one Filipino girl, one African-American girl. 

He stops in the middle of his story to ask me if I have ever had sex with a black man. 

There's another pause, but this time it's because I'm so angry that this bastard was on some rapey, knockoff-ghostface bullshit at 4AM. 

I hung up. 

They called on "no caller ID" again the next night but I didn't answer.

Just like every episode, there is a theme or lesson to be learned.

I learned two today.

Ocarina of Time

I attended Foxboro elementary school until 5th grade because my family of 6 couldn't fit in our 3-bedroom house anymore. 

you may not know this about me, but I used to share a room with my older sister, Jessica. 

She was born in 1993. I was born in 1996. She's an Aquarius, I'm an Aries... If you care about that sort of thing..

growing up, I had to tolerate a lot of physical abuse from her. I'm not sure why, but I'm still looking for the answer...

when I think about my childhood and my relationship with my sister... I think of all the times I would [physically] get into a fight and/or verbal fight and try to lock myself in my parent's room. I would try to call them begging for help and somehow the house phone ended up in her hand or the line was somehow disconnected. As I grew up, I stopped being so afraid of the physical aspect of it all. I realized that even if you do have the upper hand on me & could beat my ass.. I will celebrate the simple fact that I got some hits in on you and how I chose to never back down. A win is a win. I always admired how unhinged she was, actually quite jealous of the attention she got / what she could get away with... jumping out of moving vehicles mid conversation, running away, etc. I remember fake-pump cutting myself with a Swiss army knife. 

and my family did not care the same.  

I know what you're thinking...

what does this have to do with Zelda? 

Well, as the string quartet played Ocarina of Time, surrounded by dimly lit candles, I started to weep as I began to miss my childhood... But not for what it was, but who I was.

I'm twenty-seven now. 

Now that I'm older I understand a little bit more about life. I know what it looks like when someone doesn't love nor respect you. I know what it feels like to be nothing to someone. I know how it feels to be loved on conditions. I know what it feels like to be alone/abandoned. I know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. I know what it feels like to be valued. I know what it feels like to be treated with love and respect. Now I'm stand-offish. I don't really trust a soul. I treat people how they treat me.

When I was a kid, things weren't so complicated nor complex. I didn't understand anything. I didn't have the discernment I do now. If I thought, you were pretty or funny, I wanted to be around you. If you were giving me attention and/or playing a game with me, I would want to be around you. I was in a rush to grow up. I was in child-like graphic tees running to wear spaghetti straps. I was saying goodbye to things I loved like, playing Dance-Dance Revolution in the garage, the soccer games I'd play in the backyard with my little sister. Playing Marco/Polo in the pool. Playing Wind Waker. The adolescent shows like Thats so Raven. I just miss trusting everything even if it is bad for you. I miss the curiosity, I miss the purity, I miss the fearlessness. I miss when my parents were superheroes to me. I miss looking up to cops rather than being afraid of them. I sometimes wish I could see the world for the first time again. Buuuut I've also had enough. 

jess if you're reading this...I still love you. It was all in the past, but I have to let it go too.

2023

I started my year quite lonely.

I cut some people out of my life because someone decided to come to my house two days after Christmas and slash all four of my tires on my Audi. It sucks even more knowing that I've only ever brought people I've loved and [thought] I could trust over to my house. So the question still remains.. who did it? why?

I finally found a girl that I could see myself being a life-long friend with, B. She was also my neighbor. I made so many memories with her in such a short time. It was really like one of those sisterhood-of-the-traveling-pants bond. I had to let it go. There were other friends that meant a lot to me that I had to let go of.. not only because of the incident, but because they were making me feel terrible. I would give my friends the entire world with little to nothing in return. I'd give unconditional love, gifts like Spooky baskets, opportunities, my time, my patience, my freedom (from having a prior dui and trying to make sure everyone gets home safe before me) 

with literally nothing in return... 

I decided to shift my focus from friendships to romantic relationships. I haven't been in a serious relationship in a long time so I figured why not try and "get back out there". Big mistake at first.

January 31, I met this guy Christopher that I really fancied for a couple of months. I hadn't really been on the dating scene in awhile so I wasn't really quite sure what to expect. But at first it was a beautiful romance. We met halfway for the first date and shared a glass of wine and shared some memories we had with those that aren't here with us today. I thought I had found someone different than the rest of society. Like yessss this is what I was looking for AND he wasn't bad to look at. We would hold a conversation about various topics. I remembered him driving from Sacramento to Napa where I worked to visit me. I saw the effort and then I started not to see the same effort...

He said he had recently got out of a serious relationship and that he didn't want me to get ahead of myself. (after coming to a family party and meeting everyone lol) At that point I knew they were trying to keep options open and keep things casual. But I wasn't really made for coming over to your house and door dashing my own food and fucking you and feeling empty afterwards. I felt like a prostitute that pays for the experience. I drove to you thinking we would go to dinner and get to know each other. Shit idk maybe engage in a romance like I saw in the films like The Notebook? I guess we were just at different places and that's okay. Yes..I was late to our dates a few times, but do you understand that I tried my best to look my best for you? Uhm helloooo.                                   I realized that he was busy on Valentines day.. which was okay I mean, we just met.. But then it started to take longer and longer to get a response from him. It wasn't back-and-forth like it used to be. Barely saw him anymore. So I decided to do the same. I was quite petty in that relationship. That relationship is important to me because it taught me a lot about myself. Good and Bad. 

The last time I talked to Gilbert was in May.

If you knew me at all you knew I was obsessed with this ex, but we had a very toxic relationship. It was the same old games. Sending me love songs. Playing phone tag with each other. Being let down again. I knew WE deserved better. I think that's what true unconditional love is about.. Loving someone so much you have to really let them go so they could find someone who can love them the way they deserve. When I had the chance.. I took it for granted and acted very immaturely. This is his chance to find someone who won't play about him the first time. It took me losing him to realize that was the "love of my life" then I tried to come back later and just pick up where we left off after a few I'm sorry's from both ends, buuuutttt its not good for that. Not only for him, but myself. I wouldn't be respecting myself if I went back.

I became good friends with some people I worked with named Yon and Juan. Yon is from Spain and has a very free-spirited way of living. I love that he doesn't judge anyone and that he's so fluid. Juan is my rock. He is a bit more reserved than Yon and I, but we still feel magnetic. Juan is one of those people you can rely on. Like really rely on. Like .. have you ever played that "Trust Fall" game? He is a living version of that game! We spent almost everyday together so I think we fell in love, inevitably. Growing up is realizing that sometimes you have to sacrifice some things you want because its what's best for yourself and the relationship. I mean, relationships are messy and feelings get hurt. You lose people. I didn't want to lose my best friend. You know everything about me. You see me. We are still navigating it the best we can. Day by day. 

I started a new job started making more money and made more friends and started creating traditions (like every 23rd of December we will meet at a bar in downtown// Or like a three-way-kiss to end the night) while still maintaining old traditions with old friends ... like my friend Derek who comes over to smoke every night on some “that’s 70’s show” shit.

Started family therapy with my mom. Hopefully that gets us somewhere... 

I started to date this girl December 2023. I think she's so beautiful but she's kind of intimidating. She gets really passionate/angry. I really like that she's so vulnerable and open with me. She's not your typical person who hides who they are to try and impress you. Which I like, because I’m tired of finding out who a person really is a year later. Also, the vulnerability creates this depth to the relationship I really admire. I invited her over to my house on New Year's Eve and she met my family, and she was my kiss at midnight. We haven't had sex yet, but I think about it.

I took a step back and realized I have had bitterness and resentment towards a few people I've loved in my past but it's because they didn't love me back the way I wanted them to. Which again, is okay.. you aren't owed anything from anyone. I think a lot of us can relate on this predicament. If you ever been cheated on. If you started a family with someone who doesn't show up for you. etc. I mean, I'm grateful for any ounce of love I get in this world. Although it's such a beautiful place to live in.. the people are so cold. --

actually, for one second can we just talk about Earth? We are on a floating rock in space surrounded by stars, galaxies, planets, suns. 71% of Earth's surface is water. The nature, the mountains, the animals, sea creatures the insects, etc. Everything on Earth is kind of a wild ass concept if you really think about it. We watch these films like Star Wars but it's kind of the same shit just different location damn near. I think if we all took a second to stop and breathe and look around, we would see that there's bigger things that matter & to worry about. The planet is dying. Global wildlife populations have fallen nearly 70%. There are genocides happening around the world as I type this.

I realized that even though I had thought these things were so big to me, they really aren't that big. I can either continue to live my life giving what I get, or I can give my love to everyone, at any time, no matter what the circumstance. Everyone has their traumas and issues. In life you may lose everything you love, but love can return in another way. Humans aren't perfect and never will be. I mean can you blame them for being so cold? We're all figuring this out together and even if someone thinks they might have all the answers... they don't. Again, we're on a floating rock using gravity and things like quantum physics, etc. 

What is love to me? It's letting people go so that they may find a better option. It's creating healthy boundaries. Its learning to listen to one another. Show up and support one another. Trying to understand one another. Lift each other up instead of tear each other down. Standing up and speaking out for one another. Let people know they're loved. Whatever I can do, you can do. Vice versa. 

to more love

E.

i vs I

 i had a dream last night that my parents were getting back together...

for some reason, I was angry?                                                                                                           through the yelling and complaining I started having an anxiety attack or cardiac arrest idk I couldn't tell you the feeling, but I was calling out to my mom, and she wasn't listening anymore.

 i must have really needed her because i ended up legitimately calling out for my mom in the middle of the night.

now i'm awake and i can't help but feel angry about the dream. i think it's because it made me realize that there's many times I might have needed her and she wasn't there. I was basically living out on the street/ couch-surfing when I was eighteen years old because of her and my sister. Even though i'm so family-oriented, you would be surprised to find out that my family was actually very chaotic and dysfunctional. Which i will get into more detail. I had to grow up so fast in so many ways... and i think as I got older, I ended up inevitably being childish and selfish.

some of the things I endured and caused (because of the hurt) tend to haunt me sometimes until this day. Surprisingly, what I've caused is harder to put behind me. I wasn't always the best person nor made all the right decisions. I mean, c'mon if you knew me then you knew I was skyyy high. (xanax x alc x weed combo) but now, i've definitely simmered down and stay out of the way. 

without a doubt.

i think that i struggle with alcohol abuse because it just makes everything so much better, ya know? It all goes away and i just want to dance the night away. i smoke indica to stop thinking so much, to relax, to dream. i used them so i could feel less alone too. i use it to stop being so angry at the things i cant control. (Some examples of said things: like my grandfather's health, or the fact that my grandmother is gone and i couldn't do anything to stop it, or the fact that no one actually cares about me). ive cycled through so many friends that i had to relearn the meaning of "friend" and what a friendship entails. I've had so many romantic relationships abandon me for someone else. Make me feel like I was too much or too little and grew tired of me. Little did they know i was used to it. I grew up watching my father treat my mother the same way. I grew up in a pretty controlling atmosphere, I always called myself a caged bird. As i said earlier, my parents had a lot of marital issues/affairs and we kind of had to wait for my moms vacation time (and money) to actually see the world when I was a kid. My parents were so caught up in each other's bullshit i mostly remember my childhood as one being raised by my siblings and television. Sad to say I was an original 50'-inch iPad kid. Then, as I grew to a teenager, I would skip out on class to see the world. I was so behind in school I had to take online classes just to graduate. The day of my graduation, I remembered one fond memory.. walking to the stadium (being late as always) and my mother telling me how surprised she was that I was even walking the stage at Graduation. Then as I grew up some more, I started to attend a cult (Christianity) just to see the outside world. Don't get me wrong, it felt rewarding praying and giving to the less fortunate... but I always felt there was something I was missing. How do we get to that place? Is it: Money? Lack of support? Maybe their family did try to help. Was it the pain? Anxiety? Maybe due to all of the bills' due date. Is it the memories you can't escape from? The good ones and the bad. Why did I feel like I was no different than those homeless drug addicts on 230 Jones Street in San Francisco. Oh yeah, its because I basically ended up the same way at age eighteen/ nineteen. 

now that im twenty-seven years old im not sure if i believe in "God". If God does exist why does he make life so difficult? I've battled with this bitterness for so long. Why continue to be kind? So they can take advantage of you? To feed off your lows behind your back? I grew up reading all the parables and it showed. For example, the protocols son... sometimes people treat you badly then run away and come back and I welcomed them with open arms and unconditional love. We were still family.  Reading how you can get burned in the bible and experiencing it in real life is two completely different things. I've had my heart broken many times by my parents, siblings, friends, lovers. As a result, I closed myself off from everyone. It was only while drinking alcohol that i would let my guard down. ive made some friends... but can you really call them friends? i'm more confused now than ever. Its ironic that you have the most friends when you're at your worst. Being a girl is hard because it seems like nowadays theyre all like Regina George. Its not enough to be an "it- girl" / the leader of the group, once they know you like Aaron Samuels they will take the first opportunity to flirt with them in front of your face. Take an opportunity from you to validate their worth to themselves. Did his hair actually look sexy pushed back to you? Or they're like Janice Ian, plotting on your downfall without you even being concerned about her in the first place. & be-friending men wasnt any different. Ive known another friend since my first job at Applebees. At age eighteen. Hes been by my side while dealing with suicidal tendencies and i could not be more grateful. When everyone left me, he stayed. But now, hes gone too because hes in a relationship. im happy for him i just wish that the people he loved.. at least accepted me too instead of being closet-intimidated. So with men, you're their friend until you're their girlfriend..or they get a girlfriend.

i am still alone but this time it's because i want to be. i am exhausted of being abandoned, this time i am choosing to leave. i dont THINK my life will always be this way...

moral of the story i should smoke more indica and put down the alcohol.

Trust.

Trust is not simply given out to anyone. You must earn it, but when you do, why abuse it? That's where we have a problem. Society sets us up for failure and keeps us on our toes. Why are we like this? I have no clue. Someone answer this question for me. I wish that I could simply trust someone for once! But someone always has to mess it up. Whether it be friends, family, or the person I love. I now know why people get "trust nobody" tattooed on themselves. Statistically people lose half their friends every seven years. Two out of three marriages end in a divorce. Trust baby, trust